I dreamed of a fresh start, of nature, of leaving some of the pain behind. Secretly I was also relieved of not knowing anybody here. Relieved that all the things, parties, Berlin temptation I could attend “if I were alright”, would be so far away. I wouldn’t have to say no and explain why. Of course this thinking was very far from reality. I explained and said no nevertheless. But I also said yes quite a few times. When curiosity for new things wins over anxiety.
I got nature. I am surrounded by her. And she got it all. I got donkeys as neighbors, something I never dreamed about wishing for. I got some nice chats with the mighty ocean, looking at its waves, so many of them but not one like the other. And it gave me comfort. Knowing that no matter how many bad days I have, days that I think are wasted, none of them are the same and there’s something new in every single one. Not wasted. Like no wave is wasted. It just is. And slowly some kind of general content tunes in. I stop fighting and start trusting. In the overall meaning there must be in all this. And more and more frequently I don’t only see my misfortune, drowning in self-pity, but also know how lucky I am. It’s not about the miraculous healing but about all those little whispers in my head that are getting friendlier. Friendly reminders. “Stop being so hard on yourself” is one of them. So I grow and learn, like we all do and this just seems to be the class I need to take in the school of life.
Aber hier leben?
Nein danke. (Tocotronic)
There’s this big decision crawling up as time goes by. What now? Are we staying? And since I started to mostly look at life from a wide distance (from where it’s never looking as bad as it feels) and from a big enough distance earth is so small that Portugal and Germany are basically the same, we decide yes, we are. In the end one is as good as the other and we have nothing to lose. The apocalypse plastic straws and climate change are causing seems to be a bit further away, here in the middle of nowhere. We don’t have to look back and ask us what if ? Maybe we will fail, maybe in a year we decide it’s not for us. But we would have tried. Life is uncertain anyway. Everything comes and goes in waves. Some smaller, some bigger. Some with the power to destroy, some with the power to heal. We’ll see what this one will bring.
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NEVER GIVE UP