I always thought I was grown up very early. When I was a teenager I found that really cool. My first boyfriend was therefore seven years older than me. And I thought he wasn’t very different from me. I thought that age isn’t a number. The older I grew I more and more realised that this is not the whole truth. How little did I know when I thought I knew everything. And I can imagine now that this is not the end. That I will sit here in ten years and think the exact same thing: how little did I know.
I’m sorry to everyone who had to deal with the I-know-it-all teenage me.
A part of me is very curious about all that will come and add to my grown-upness. And there is this part that is really afraid. How much more of life can I handle?
I couldn’t believe all those adults who were saying that one day you will miss school. And now I do even though it was horrible. But not this mess of decisions, doubts and pressure adulthood comes packaged with. I’m afraid of this whole big future that I can try to picture but will never know how it actually will look like. Another thing adults like to say is that life is short. They also say that you’re still very young and have very much time. What opposites. And not true. Life can be short. But life can also be very long. A minute can be long. And of course short. It all depends on how you look at it and what your’e comparing it to. Right now my life feels very long, I cant imagine how it can triple the number of years I already am on earth. I know it will change I just can’t imagine how. The only sure thing is alteration. Even thoug it can feel like the opposite, like standing still.
It always helps me to imagine how small I am and how short my life is in comparison to the universe, to light, to dimensions. The light I see is millions of years old when I see it. And in comparison to the universe and everthing existing I’m so small that I couldnt see myself with human eyes on a handpalm. My life is a second. It maybe is an painful second or a happy one, I can’t say yet. And it doesn’t matter.
Artwork by me. Ink and black tea on paper.